25 September 2010 ~ 10 Comments

The Jews Did It, and other stories

I’ve heard more conspiracy theories these past couple of weeks than I would like to care for. It seems that the Zionists, Freemasons and Indian spy agency RAW have been collaborating on a series of coordinated strikes on me and my small yet suspiciously detrimental-to-the-future-of-the-world social circle.

Did you know that there were four Blackwater (now called Xe but we still like the old name because it sounds more evil) agents on board the doomed Air Blue flight? Presumably they were forcing the pilot to crash into the nearby Kahuta nuclear base but the heroic pilot crashed into the mountains to spoil their plans.

Did you know that the floods that washed away most of Pakistan were actually the byproduct of US Military’s secret HAARP project which specializes in weather control and other sinister forms of kooky warfare?

Did you know that the Indian Cricket Board, presumably funded by the country’s ever-scheming intelligence agencies, framed the Pakistani team in all that spot fixing spat?

Did you know that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington D.C., enjoying Jersey Shore reruns with some friends while munching on pizza?

Did you know that Dr. Aafia Siddiqi’s trial was secretly sabotaged by the Pakistani government, and that the guys up in Islamabad got a big fat cheque for helping ‘set an example out for muslims worldwide’?

Did you know that Telenor made that controversial advert on purpose in an attempt to corrupt our society and introduce Western values into the youth?

Believe it or not, I heard all these morsels of hidden truth in the space of maybe three to four days.

Here’s what I know: We’re not the center of the world. The center of paranoia, maybe, but not much else. We need to stop blaming other, secret forces for our troubles. No, they’re not out to get us. We just need a scapegoat so that we can pin our troubles and general lack of progression on someone.

But then again, you never know. I’m probably commissioned by the Jewish Lobby to lull the Pakistani public into a false sense of security.

Illustration Credit: FunPresident

About the author

Umair Kazi, a marketing strategist from Pakistan, is one of the few LUMS graduates that decided not to work at a bank. He spends his days as a strategic planner at an ad agency and moonlights as a marketing superhero, saving innocent audiences from irrelevant and uninteresting marketing.

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10 Responses to “The Jews Did It, and other stories”

  1. Bilal 25 September 2010 at 5:52 pm Permalink

    So true although we cannot possibly rule all any form of interference by foreign agencies into our local matters..
    Its high time that we start taking stock of our own responsibility of the state we have brought ourselves into.. the earlier this happens the better it is !

    • umairkazi 26 September 2010 at 6:28 am Permalink

      Cannot rule out, yes. But relentless searching for reasons for failure is a big distraction, wouldn’t you agree?

  2. Sharjeel Jawaid 25 September 2010 at 6:33 pm Permalink

    It has been decades that I have been inundated with Hidustani, Saihooni, Roosi, Amreeki and the sort of SAZISH [es] that we poor muslims have been subjected to ever since the Rightous Caliphs were not around to take care of us!

    We do not accept that no Sazish can work without our own conivance. And we are a bumch of stupids who are unable to make any Sazish to hurt our bad wishers!

    • umairkazi 26 September 2010 at 6:31 am Permalink

      There are two ways to get ahead:
      1. Run faster
      2. Trip the other guy
      I think it’s time we overlooked the SAZISH to trip the other guy and started running faster, because all the SAZISH is doing is distracting us!

  3. Alina 25 September 2010 at 8:03 pm Permalink

    how much are they paying you?

    also, i think osama’s more of a ‘top chef’ than the ‘jersey shore’ kind of a guy. jus sayin’

    • umairkazi 26 September 2010 at 6:34 am Permalink

      They pay me in Pepsi bottles.. so that even if I try to resell (they know us Pakis so well) the buyer would be PAYING EVERY PENNY TO SAVE ISRAEL.

  4. sufia 26 September 2010 at 11:07 am Permalink

    was going to write a blog entry abt it, will put up the link when completed..

    was working on a project for the us holocaust memorial museum…and what really impressed me was how the jews accepted their bad situation and they worked to improve their lot…instead of perpetually whining abt conspiracies and all. look at where they stand and look at us :(

    • sufia 26 September 2010 at 11:59 am Permalink

      and yet we call them “bloody” jews…yes theyre bloody jews..bloody intelligent.

    • umairkazi 27 September 2010 at 6:57 pm Permalink

      do share the link when you’re done!


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